Useless Preliminary Research

Preliminary research by a prominent national university suggests promising results in healing multiple human diseases. However, the research team has determined no one will read this preliminary research again. Instead, it will be relegated to the archives of science news websites, such as realclearscience.com.

Dr. Williams, from the University of South Jersey, conducted an experiment on lab mice. It gave promising early results which could have huge implications for health outcomes of adults. “Unfortunately”, said Dr. Williams “we’re going to shelve this research starting tomorrow. This is because we’re out of funding and the grant committee ran out of money for the year”.

The team did emphasize that there is still utility to these results. Dr. Williams is hoping to get at least one academic article out of this. “We need to do what we can to push the research envelope”. He said this while drinking copious amounts of wine and matcha between eating bites of acai berries, in order to counteract the carcinogenic effects of the cigarettes and hot bottled water he seems to enjoy. “Even if no one cites my article, It’s still part of the effort”.

Dr. Peterson, one of Dr. Williams’ colleagues, is currently planning to take this research to the next level. This includes increasing the sample size of future experiments from 30 mice to 40 mice. He is confident this new experiment will expand the sphere of knowledge in the world of healthcare research. “They key is to make sure the experiment is not ambitious”, he said. “If it’s too risky or out there, no one’s going to fund it”. History backs Dr. Peterson’s claims, as he had also conducted the same experiment on 25 mice and 20 mice, to much fanfare.

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Disclaimer: This article is not to be taken as medical advice

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The Editor in Chief began his academic journey with a BA in Sociology, followed by a MA in Public Policy. He followed this up with three consecutive PhD programs as a way to hide his lack of direction in life. After realizing that his life dreams were not going to come true, he received a job as an assistant professor at a little known University. He currently has his TAs and grad students do all of his work for him, while he spends the majority of his working day watching Youtube videos from his office. He set up the The Journal of Post-Jungian Machine Learning as a way to facilitate the publishing of useless incremental research in order to boost his linkedin profile. He can be seen at high-end bars and lounges near his University trying to convince visitors that he was *this close* to winning a Nobel Prize.

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